


Don't give up the way.

by JaderTroes



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Blood and Injury, Emotional Hurt, M/M, Memory Loss, Murder, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-19
Updated: 2014-07-19
Packaged: 2018-02-09 12:38:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,767
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1983327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JaderTroes/pseuds/JaderTroes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Things are much harder for Jean with blood on his hands.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't give up the way.

If there was one thing I hated more than midnight post was midnight post alone. Tonight was one of those nights where I had to work post all by myself. It was pitch black with only the three-foot radiance of light from the lantern making it possible for me to see.

 

Walking up and down the corridors, around the lower grounds, and through the stables always gave me plenty of time to clear my head.

 

After my third round was done I figured it'd be best to check below the floorboards once tonight. Pushing open the back doors I went down through a cobblestone doorway. Stopping in front of an empty, yet tacky, yellow wallpapered wall I lifted my hand. Pressing it against certain spots of the wall before my hand felt the cut-out grove. I pushed it to open the hidden doorway to the cellar, not many knew about this entrance but then again not many had been given a lot of things I had.

 

The stairs creaked underneath each step I took. Bringing my left hand back to take hold of the rattling rifle strapped to my back, I kept a good eye on the wooden boards below my feet. The glow of the lantern glimmered against the cobwebs that lead me to the holding cell.

 

My heart pounded against my chest. The air was thick and smelled of must and mold from the lack of ventilation. It felt like butterflies were trying to burst the lining of my stomach as I thought about you.

 

The military police had been hiding you here for about a week. Even though I don't agree with the circumstances of holding you as a prisoner, I was glad you were now under my care. I Remember the first night you appeared shackled to the wall, the key strung on tattered string around your bruised neck was a constant reminder to not give up the way.

 

I couldn't let you slip through my grasp again.

 

They were going to give the job of watching over you to someone else, but I took it as my own responsibility. Stepping out of line got me harsh punishments, but getting to see you treated right was all I needed for reassurance that everything was going to turn out decent for now. I scrubbed windows with my teeth glaring, my smile grew into something disastrous thinking about you again. My mouth burned and ached that night from using the muscles, _had I not really smiled like this since the day we had separated._

 

Your name would not leave my tongue as it had been engraved into my mind. Something had sealed it along with my lips about what had happened a long time ago. You do not remember me though. It was hopeless for us, you had lost you memory while under the care of the scouting legion, and it took all of my inner strength to not openly scoff in his face at the idea of squad Levi watching over you. They had been so careless about your well-being, not once treating you like the damaged boy that was underneath your hardened exterior.

 

People seemed to have forgotten you are not just a monster, but a person who felt the same things everyone else did. You are not just a means of war to use for the upper hand of humanity. You have feelings, but not the same feelings we had once reciprocated between each other. You constantly lash out in anger and I know your pain all to well because I have felt it too. With every thought we had shared, whispers between once two rivals underneath the dimly-lit white stars of autumn. You had once linked you pinky with my own, gave me a kiss as we spoke underneath the stained white covers, but yet left me in the dark to lament over the pain, the deepened cracks in my heart only allowed a flicker of emotion show through.

 

Each night I would go down the creaking stairs to open my mouth and breathe in life once again.

Made the mistake of taking the clasped metal out of your mouth too early. You weren't ready for that step yet and I wasn't prepared for what words spat out of your mouth.

You spoke only of hatred towards me, looked down at me for being military police and never saw me as equal in the beginning. I tried so hard to live in the truth that you couldn't remember who I was, but the spark was still there.

 

 _Please forgive me._ Gagged again. _I still want you_.

 

Brought you food, but you'd kick it away with your foot and viciously try to spit at me; instead saliva fell down the creases of your mouth. You were blinded by thick, black cloth and gagged with a horse bit. _How would you react to seeing me again?_

 

Loud ticking from the grandfather clock could be heard from the hallway above. Closed my eyes and imagined the ticking being replaced with a slow burning silence as if we were no longer here anymore, _did you imagine this too?_

 

Eventually your silent taunting became indifferent. It did not have the same venom but your sheer loneliness and pleading began when you started to vocalize some gargled words to your best ability. You opened up to me and let me slip past your hardened exterior once again.

 

Stone walls made the cell unbearably cold and inhabitable for my liking. I wanted you to be comfortable. The dark slate gray stone felt like ice most nights. Brought you a blanket and put it over your thinning shoulders. The once tanned muscles began to weaken as you paled with each day passing.

 

I had to feed you somehow. Tried giving you water through the bit. Grabbing a fist full of hair, I was not tender while pushing your head back, I apologize for that still. Pushing the canteen up to your lips the water poured too quickly into your mouth through the chewed metal, you always had sharp teeth. You choked on the water, coughing and sputtering. Don't know why I didn't stop though, you kept choking on it and I was too careless to realize you couldn't drink through the bit, let alone eat. Eating was a lot harder than water. Pushing food through the metal only to have my fingers cut up and bitten.

 

I threw the canteen on the floor, angered and upset with you. _Really at myself._ I had to remove this or you would die, leave me again. You can't leave me though, you are mine.

You promised to not bite me if I did this for you.

 

I remember you nodding your head in agreement as the bit was removed from your mouth. You sucked in a mouth full of air, gasping slighting and licking the broken skin that covered your mouth. Lips as tender as rose petals. Pulling out and opening a small container, my fingers dipped into a jar of waxed petroleum I kept with me. Smearing it over your lips, you did not once protest against it. Coating them graciously, my fingers trembled slightly catching on the edge of your mouth and pulling down. _Damn butterflies go away_. When you licked my finger tips it sent a shiver down my spine.

 

It wasn't until the night I had grown enough courage to remove the thickened cloth did you gaze upon me for the first time. Your face scrunched up and looked away at first, spitting out something about not looking at you with such tenderness. Your cheeks reddened, _did I embarrass you?_

 

Tugging the strings within my heart, why did you have to play those same chords over and over again. You played them once before, so why do you have to keep doing this to me. Pressing my palms against your chest to gently rub your pectorals, I struggled to not force myself onto you right now. Your hair had grown long. Running one hand up to tug at the frayed ends of hair, my fingers traced along the side of your neck before my hand brushed through the brown locks.

 

Your blush deepened, spreading across your cheeks quickly the more I brushed through your hair. You had always been sensitive to my touch, and it seemed like even though the ticks of time kept marching on for you without me, the things that made you unique will never change.

 

You begged me to stop because I was being overly soft and tender with each stroke. _Is this why you liked Levi so much?_ I sat before you, framing your face with both hands. You wanted me to be rough with you, but you were as delicate as glass to me.

 

Quivering, my knees knocked together as I leaned in slowly and took what was rightfully mine.

Your hands pressed hard against your shackles but not once did you bite my lips as I devoured your supple, pinked lips. Your tongue slipped past my thin lips and explored around.

 

You knew when I was coming down each night. _Did you count each individual tick of the clock and wait for me?_ We got closer, you began to eat a little of what I brought to you. You let me kiss you, explore as much of your body as comfortable.

 

You once asked me why I didn't unshackle you yet, I couldn't answer. You never asked again.

 

You asked me if I knew you from before. Turning around to shudder at the piercing truth, the tears began to slip past and pool into my weakened palms. I never told you, but now I wish I had as I heard disembodied voices from down below. Cautiously stepping off the last step, I shouldered off my rifle and held it close against my chest before peeking around the corner.

 

The sight was horrific.

 

Three men stood over you. One held your head steady as another stroked at your sides to keep you calm. The third man grunted as he roughly pushed in and out of you. You were whimpering and crying out in pain as your legs were being gripped tightly. A hand grabbed around your neck, it choked you until letting go when you coughed uncontrollably from choking on saliva.

  
The black cloth I removed weeks ago had been put back around your eyes.

You hissed and snorted at them but they never stopped thrashing you around. My vision began to blacken but I forced myself to suppress my anger.

 

“Damn he is still tight, come on help me out here. Loosen him up a little, do something you idiots.”

 

Coal blackened fingers forced into your mouth, you bit down on his hand. _Good boy._ A second hand slapped against your face, then again. The fingers shoved further into your mouth as blood dripped down the filth covered sausages.

 

My fingers began to sweat profusely as I crept around the corner silently.

 

“You sure are a feisty little bastard, no wonder the scouting legion likes you.” Snorts and laughter.

“Tell me son, how does it feel to be fucked by a real soldier.”

 

He fumbled with your knotted hair, shoving you roughly against the wall as the vile slaps against your skin grew louder. The two other men began to toy with your jaw, about to pleasure themselves at the idea of pushing open your pretty mouth and shoving their throbbing members into it. One after the other.

 

The sweat was beading down my arm, adrenaline pulsing through my veins. The metal slipped through my fingers, I fumbled to quickly grab at it but the loud clank had given me away.

 

All three men turned around. I felt the bile begin to rise up, but the sight of them hurting you like this made me more angered than sick. Forcing myself to be rational, I drew my gun up slightly.

 

_Shit, shouldn't have dropped the lantern._

 

“Shit, it's just Kirschtein. Go back upstairs, your patrol down here is done for tonight.” The hall leader spoke softly to me, as if he didn't have his dick shoved so far up into you.

 

Saliva dripped down your panting lips mixing with your copper coated blood, _what does it taste like?_ _What do I have to do to switch places with you._

 

“No sir.” I was defiant.

 

“Yes you are, Kirschtein.” The two men began to shuffle around you and come towards me.

 

By raising the rifle I had disobeyed his orders to not stand down. Closer they grew. I felt your willpower begin to fade as liquid pooled around your ankles. They were unarmed, _cowards_.

_Stand tall, do not show them fear._

 

Looking down the barrel of the blood rusted metal, I was going to gun them down six feet under. Gun them all down so they could never get back up and do this again.

 

_Don't slacken your shoulder, are you weak?_

 

My leaders voice grew louder as I would not stand down, “You will be punished if you do not put that rifle down right now, have you gone mad?!”

 

_I have actually._

 

To listen to each command like a spineless dog and not once question why I have given up my life for these men makes me sick now. The inner monologue of “do as commanded and not question a single order” began to not make sense to me. This time the orders given will not be from anyone else but myself.

 

Pain shot through my heart with a quick glance at your beaten and broken expression. _Can you still feel the same after all this?_

It was surreal and unconvincing for me to believe what was happening. Sweat dripped down my aching back. If murder was wrong, then why did these guys have to give me a reason to proceed with it.

 

 _Come on don't give out now._ Calloused trigger thumb slips the safety off as I press the cold metal to the back of the mans head. _Suppress the feelings like you've always done._ What made this harder than the other times was that the numbing wave of inhibited fears could only begin to slowly surface now.

 

_Stop it, don't you dare lay another hand on him._

 

Clicking the bolt back, I held the stock against my shoulder. Not once did my shoulder slacken.

 

The men stepped back, pulling their pants up as they backed away. “Come on Kirschtein, you wouldn't really shoot us. We are your comrades. Put down the gun and lets all go upstairs together, forget all about his little incident.”

 

I shook my head at them. They were wrong, this time I would not listen to what had been pounded into my brain since day one living in this rotting house with these soulless soldiers, _if you could even call them that_. My hand trembled, but my gaze never fell from their leathered skin and blood stained hands. Each of them, their hands were filthy but yet they took everything I had worked for from me so easily. None of them felt remorse for what they had taken from us.

 

Your voice was cracking as you mouthed each individual near inaudible word in my direction. Tears streaked my cheeks, wiping them on my shoulder the men began to try and move towards the hall. I shoved the end of the barrel into the throat of the dirtiest of the three. “How dare you misinterpret me again, I am not going to let you walk out of here alive.”

 

“I wouldn't do that if I were you Kirschtein, I still have control over you as your leader!”

 

_Stop lying to yourself._

 

He made the wrong move by trying to disarm the rifle and I lost my head. Our ears rang in high pitched tones as the rifle thundered out and roared fear into the two other men. They had gotten away before I had time to realize there was a large circle of blood against the cell wall.

 

“Eren....” my voice hitched. Coming to your side to embrace your shattered hope. You did not raise your head once at my voice, blood covered your legs. Cuts and gashed lacerated your delicate skin.

 

Thrashing against my grip, you nipped my hands away from your face. _Hold still._

I would not let you disappear now for I had wanted us to melt together and become statues. You breathing became stilled as your grew weaker. Both hands falling to each of your sides to intertwine behind you. _Let me please give you this tight embrace; let me lock us in eternity together._

 

Your breath hitched as your lips parted slightly, blood forming in the corner of your busted lip. Your movements were to weak to push my body away. Your pitiful attempts to push against the same shackles you had once violently shaken made my heart sink.

 

I won't hurt you. Don't you remember my promise?

 

Burying my head into the crook of your neck to breathe in the aroma of smoke and oil. I was searching for the familiar tinge of citrus that had always lingered around you, but it was gone now. The aroma had diffused from your skin a long time ago. _Why did I allow them to break you like that._

 

Tears fell onto your exposed collar as the over-stretched fabric of your shirt soaked up the mess. The bruises that lined each side were a sickening green, not like your eyes, the kind of green-yellow that reminds me of bile. The men that did this to you were no better than myself. A shaky hand brought up to caress the tender skin that no longer glowed the sun-kissed bronze but paled the longer I kept you here.

 

Looking over to the corner at the unopened tin, you never ate the food I brought you. _Were you expecting this to happen?_ The drenched collar fabric clung to your frail chest, how I wished to be like the cloth you wore. Wish to protect you and hide your fragility the same way the clothing had, block out all prying eyes.

 

“Don't blame yourself....” You whispered into my ear, “how could you ever see this coming.”

 

_You were right, so god damn awfully right._

 

The ticking of the clock never ceased, the aroma of musky sweat was masked by the blood saturated blanket you sat on. My fingers dipped down and lifted the wool, knuckles whitened as I balled a fist into the material. Began to try and wipe the fresh blood with the blanket off of his white legs, the blood seemed to never stop though. Smeared around instead of leaving, making a bigger mess. It stained your skin. I pressed harder to scrub out the filth from the men, it was hopeless for us now.

 

_I can't keep you any longer. You are no longer mine._

 

“Jean....”

 

_Please don't ever say my name again_

_It will make us both mute._

 

I reached back to grab the rifle off the floor and pushed my fingers against your burning flesh. Undid the cloth from around your eyes. Puffy and red, they were pleading to do this quickly.

You saw my rifle, you sucked in a breath and held it. You looked down, tears streamed harder down your bruised face.

 

You leaned forward and nuzzled against my shoulder, “make it stop.”

 

_How can I stop this pain for you, I can't even dull my own pain._

 

Kissed your forehead.

The tip of your nose.

Those lips for the last time.

 

“I can't.”

 

Put two fingers against your neck and felt your pulse – _beat_.

Jammed the end of the barrel against your chest. You slammed forward colliding our lips together, nipping at my bottom lip you let out a blood curdling noise as you hacked up a clot of blood from your throat.

 

“That isn't going to kill me Jean....” I lowered the rifle to the ground, how could I be so careless forgetting about your healing abilities.

 

You spit it out onto my once white pants, “don't let them have me, Jean.”

 

Really wish I had told you how I felt before. I was selfish.

 

“Get his knife.” You glanced at the knife hanging halfway out the corpses pocket, “slash my nape open.”

 

Looking over to the limp body next to us, the blood splattered against the stone still dripped against the floor. The clock kept ticking time on without us. I could hear the people stirring upstairs, we had to make this quick. Crawled on all fours towards the body and pulled the knife out of the pocket.

 

Slid back in front of you on my knees, your mouth mimicked the taunting words you spoke to me so long ago, “let me go, Jean.”

 

You lowered your head into my chest, exposing your nape to me. The knife was dull so ripping through would be a challenge. Bringing one hand up to cradle your head, the other lifted high behind you. Missed and tore into your skin the first time, you screamed out my name while balling your hands into tight fists. You shut your eyes tight as I brought the blade back up quickly to rip a vertical line into your neck for the second time.

 

I dropped the knife to your side. The clanking sound reverberated against the stone walls.

The green flecks in your eyes shined against the dim light from the fallen lantern, your mouth curved up into a sickening smile. I grabbed around your waist tightly, kissing the side of your head repeatedly. You looked at peace in my arms for the second time in your life.

Put two fingers against your vein again.

Looking away my eyes beginning to blacken again from the light fading away. Your pulse against my fingers began to die down. The more the light went out, the slower your pulse beat on... and on.

 

You opened your mouth to speak but you were gone with the light before the words had ever formed.

 

Voices of men grew louder and the sound of their footsteps like miniature titans running down the rickety staircase drowned out the noise of the ticking clock.

 

They had finally taken away what was mine.

While I was worried about keeping you safe from them, I should have been keeping you safe from me.

 

Picked up then pushed the blood drenched rifle against my throat. _Look for me, Eren._

The shot could be heard against the stone walls.

 

The ticking never ceased.


End file.
